In this post I just want to write from my heart about what it's like for myself living with anxiety. Maybe some can relate and maybe others won't relate.
Buuutttt! Either way, I hope that it is some-what informative to some of you. By all means please do not think by reading the following that it's like this for me all of the time, I still go out and enjoy myself and love the people around me and have fun. Most cannot even tell that I have it. Anyone can hide behind a smile. Yes, I may feel anxious most days but it is not as bad as what I say in the following, I will mention only what it is like on specific occasions. I will just be explaining how it is like for me some of the time.
Where to start? I feel like I have gradually developed anxiety (generalised & social) ever since my first Panic Attack. It started off with worried thoughts as simple as:
"What if I get a panic attack again?" and I used to always just make sure I took everything easy.
Then it got worse, I started feeling my heart constantly to check it was beating normally and making sure that I was never alone. Not long after my panic attack I went through a short period where I didn't want to be upstairs alone even to go to the toilet just in case it randomly happened again.
I started to get more worried about small spaces, like crowds. I have never liked them, but it never used to be a big problem where I felt like I couldn't breathe and that tends to be how it is now.
I will share you a short story of when I went out for a meal with my parents. We went to a pub/restaurant which I used to enjoy going to, I stepped in and saw how crowded it was and we had to wait a short time for our table so we had some soft drinks at the bar (sensible me- Minnie Points!). I literally wanted to get my dad to hold my drink the entire time (sowwy daddy!), I didn't want it until we got to the table where I knew I would be fine sitting down. When I had to hold it for myself I kept thinking... "if I collapse then it's going to go everywhere", (it's silly, right?)
I felt this way as my hands were shaking. I had to put it down on the bar and I remember just standing there crying...with both my parents wondering why. I felt like at this point that I was going through derealisation and I kept worrying if anyone was staring at me. My breathing went funny and I knew I had to get out, quick. Fresh air helped me alot, I was fine when we got to the table. I think that all this happened just because of the crowds.
This rarely happens in crowded places, I feel anxious but I usually feel okaish, it isn't massively taking over my life...of course it can't! I love shopping where it can get pretty busy...!
I soon started developing chest pains which I know is just muscle tension from my anxiety and I got a trapped nerve in my left arm...let's just say I got reallyyy scared at this point and I cried all day worrying about what may happen to me. I came home one day from college because I feared these horrible thoughts would give me a panic attack. Of course, I shouldn't have ever looked online and researched my symptoms I was experiencing, this made everything a MILLION times worse. I did go to a doctor to have everything checked out and they said I'm healthy and nothing is wrong. I feel going to the doctors about anxiety symptoms was great, when they said that I'm okay and reminded me that it's just my anxiety, it made me feel a lot safer. (gee *munches on a carrot* thanks Doc!)
I just keep reminding myself now when I get heart flutters or chest pains that it is purely because of my anxiety, nothing terrible is wrong- professional doctors have told me so.
Recently I have been experiencing yet again ANOTHER anxiety symptom. Tension Headaches.
Again more "what-if" thoughts.
The thing I have realised is, I always seem to get different problems. I feel so good knowing that they are all NORMAL. So, why am I still feeling constantly worried about my health? I'm a young teenager, I keep worrying about what I eat, making sure I eat more healthily and drinking more water which is good! But I know I'm only worried because of my anxiety.
Can it all just shoo away already?! Shoo anxiety shooooo
When I went swimming with my friend Lily and Fraizer in this post.
I mentioned there were water shoots, I never went on any of them like all the other people my age were, just because of my anxiety...I used to love those water shoots *sigh*. I feel like I am not normal sometimes, a freak even. I cry most nights thinking why can't I be how I used to be? Why is anxiety taking over my life? I worry about my future...jobs, driving and even moving out.
Sometimes it all gets a bit too much. I try my very hardest each and every day to forget my anxiety but sometimes that makes it worse. I am trying to accept it now and replacing bad thoughts with positive ones. I also believe in positive vibes, so if you have managed to read this far then pretty please send me positive vibes and boost my anxiety out of existance hehe. I will have to keep reminding myself that the doctor said I'm a young and healthy girl and that I should enjoy life.
I am pleased with myself actually, my anxiety has made me realise that I am brave in my own way. I also have such a supportive person in my life who I know I can always go to, just to tell them about how I am feeling and what my stupid worried thoughts are and I know this person will never judge me. It's such a nice, warm feeling to have!
Out of all of my exams I have recently just done, I only ever felt a bit anxious ONCE!
That's improvement!!! *claps to myself* (I didn't just get funny looks from doing that just then or anything...)
Moral of this is. I am proud that anxiety has been apart of me (and still is partially)
-It has made me want to start this blog; to keep me happy and busy.
-It has made me be more polite to avoid arguments and stressful situations.
(See, more positive thinking. Minnie Points to me! Woohoo!)
If you have anxiety, I know exactly how you are feeling. It isn't nice. But pretend you are holding my hand as I say this "you are fine! Enjoy your life and don't have any regrets."
From this day onwards I am going to do things my anxiety prevents me from doing. That is why I wanted to make a dedication post to my anxiety today. Hopefully I will start seeing more progress! *fingers crossed*
Thankyou if you did read all of this, I know it isn't the most interesting post in the world!